Epistaxis, Etiology of
by Daedreamer
Summary: One-shot. Poor Sanji has nosebleeds but Zoro's got nothing to do with them, right? Rated for light slash.


Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece, Eiichiro Oda does.

* * *

**Epistaxis, Etiology of**

Sanji was very familiar with falling and being in love. It happened multiple times in a day.

He was well aware of the symptoms. Falling in love was the familiar and exhilarating feeling of his heart pounding, as if threatening to break his thoracic cage. It was the strange sensation of his clear blue eyes forming into bright pink hearts that popped out of their sockets. It was the strange giddy dance he performed that made onlookers think his whole body had gone…well…squiggly. It was the unreasonable yet completely logical drive to give anything he could to the pretty woman in question. And it was, to the great consternation of the crew doctor, and the great amusement of a certain marimo, a stream of bright red blood blasting out his nostrils that put Franky's cola powered cannons to shame.

Sanji smiled to himself, satisfied, as he deftly pulled out a cigarette from its luxuriously wrapped box. He signed as his slim dexterous fingers expertly lit the watermarked coffin nail and inhaled, savoring the smooth texture and complex notes. The lean blonde leaned back against the Adam wood railing of the Sunny and puffed out, gazing at the wisps of smoke as they danced like disappearing wisps into the dark night.

It was ridiculous that the captain accused Sanji of loving Zoro. Of all people! Why would Luffy even suggest such a thing? The talented chef thought back on that conversation with amusement.

* * *

The Sunny had docked in a port town briefly so that they could secure more supplies. Sanji, as always, was eager to see what the local foods were like and maybe pick up some ingredients. The kitchen was well stocked already – thanks to Luffy's latest victim – a particularly tender-fleshed Sea King so large that even the Straw Hats couldn't finish it off in one go. The port town unfortunately didn't have much of a culture of its own though. With its location close to two of the more popular tracks across the Grand Line, the town was made up of mainly suppliers and merchants who, desperate to make their fortunes, dared to venture this close to the pirate infested shores.

He did; however, come across a stall with a large sign that read "Onigiri" on it. Something about the name of the stall inspired him to venture closer. He was a little curious as to what this onigiri actually was.

It was rice. With seaweed sticking out of it. How that bore any resemblance to a sword attack, Sanji did not know. Leave it to the muscle head to name some unsophisticated sword move after a perfectly innocent food. Though the few times that Zoro actually talked about food – the man was probably too busy drinking to even notice what delicacies he was shoveling into his undeserving mouth – he spoke of the rice concoction with fondness.

Slightly annoyed, he turned to head back to the ship when he heard the familiar cheerful voice that could only belong to his captain.

"Sanji!"

The well-dressed chef turned around to see the young man running towards him, his eponymous straw hat trailing behind him. As the black haired captain got closer, he surprisingly slowed down, instead of barreling into the blonde as Sanji had expected him to. The older man had even gotten into a defensive stance to kick the overly enthusiastic captain away if needed.

"Why are you mad?"

"Mad? I'm not mad," Sanji replied. His captain could be strangely insightful at times.

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

Sanji almost hit himself on the head. He couldn't belief he got himself into this nonsensical argument. Luffy had the patience of a saint when it came to these arguments and he always, always, won.

"Just confused," the blonde vented, "Why! Why would that idiotic marimo say that pile of undercooked rice with seaweed stuck to it is good food when he doesn't even so much as grunt when he sees my food?!"

Sanji stared in fascination as Luffy looked to have a real light bulb go on in that black-haired head of his.

"Oh! You're just jealous over Zoro," the captain laughed.

Sanji could only stare. His delicate jaw hung open.

The boy with the straw hat gave his cook a sidelong look, "Don't tell me you're still in denial…"

"Denial? When did Luffy learn that word? Wasn't it a little complex for him?" Was the only thought that flitted through Sanji's already overtaxed mind.

"Well, I'm sure you'll admit you love him some day."

Sanji wanted to faint. He wanted to beat Luffy up. Then he wanted to kick Zoro's arse. He stared at the unsuspecting captain. Nah. Marimo's arse first. Then Luffy. Even in his shocked state, the cook understood that chances of attacking anyone after fighting Luffy were depressingly low.

He huffed and stomped away.

It was only when he'd almost reached the Sunny that he heard a desperate wail from the other side of the town, "Sanji! I needed to ask you where Nami said she'd dock the ship!"

He just smirked. Let that all-knowing idiot of a captain find the Sunny on his own.

* * *

"Dart-brow!"

"Ero – cook!"

The unwelcome insults roused Sanji from his less than stellar memories.

"What?!" he growled at the offending voice that could only sprout from the cause of his unhappiness – the great overgrown national treasure himself.

"Get your disgusting cancer stick away from my beer barrels! Those are draft beers from Elbaf!"

Sanji saw red. Well, technically, he saw green – but still.

"That's an original Anglo-Saxon brew – can't get it anywhere else on the Grand Line!"

Sanji calmly stepped on his overpriced Treasurer cigarette and, a little too vindictively, smoldered the thing with the heel of his North Blue leather Oxfords.

"-Last time the entire jug stunk of tobacco because of you!"

The tanned and muscular first mate almost smirked in satisfaction as he felt, more than saw, the rapid displacement of the air as Sanji's familiar, powerful leg swung towards the green-haired man's pierced ear.

Zoro was almost giddy with excitement as he skillfully dodged the graceful limb at the last second and drew out his swords. It was always so easy to push Sanji's buttons when he wanted a fun workout. And the cook never ceased to amaze him - the things those legs could do! At that thought, Zoro suppressed the urge to blush.

Sanji felt the heady rush of blood through his body as he rushed in to pummel the swordsman. His heart thumped loudly, his clear blue eyes swiveled this way and that – deftly checking for openings, and he spun his legs out as if he were dancing a deadly tango. Loath as he was to admit it, fighting Zoro was always interesting and he _did_ need to vent some steam.

He felt the habitual rupture of a capillary in his nostrils. Damn it! The bastard had somehow off and socked him in the nose!

"What's your problem?!" Sanji shouted out in a slightly nasally tone, one hand going to cover his nose and desperately hoping the beautifully shaped structure wasn't somehow crooked now, "What happened to swords, marimo?!"

Zoro just looked at his sparring partner in confusion, both his hands firmly gripping their respective swords. Why was the ero-cook getting a nosebleed?

"I didn't do anything!" the first mate yelled back, "How should I know what goes on in that perverted mind of yours?"

Sanji sputtered like a boiling kettle but was forced to stalk off towards his kitchen as he was unable to make a witty comeback since more blood was gushing out.

Zoro watched on in worry as the blonde didn't raise to the bait. What if something was wrong with the loudmouthed blonde? Just the other day he'd heard Chopper mumbling something about not having enough packed red blood cells in storage for Sanji – and how the cook could actually have some sort of coagulation disease.

* * *

"Gah!"

Zoro quickened his pace as he heard a shout from the kitchen.

He burst through the door and almost froze as he took in the scene in front of him.

The handsome blonde man had his hands stuck into what looked like a pot full of perfectly cooked rice, his nosebleed already stopped. But the green-haired man had never seen Sanji so out of sorts in a kitchen before. There was rice all over the man's designer dress shirt and a few flecks of black nori stuck to him as well.

"What are you doing?"

"What else," Sanji glared, mad and embarrassed that he'd been caught in a cooking accident, "making onigiri."

The way the stall merchant had explained it, making onigiri was easy. Just shape the rice into some sort of...shape... that would hold together and to make sure it held would together, tie the nori around it. But the rice was sticking all over the place and the nori, unlike the fresh seaweed Sanji was used to working with, refused – to – be – tied. And his hands were turning red from the hot rice.

Zoro was practically rolling in laughter.

Sanji wanted to hit something – or someone.

Fortunately for Zoro, the green haired man stopped laughing and walked up to the counter.

"Here," he said between snorts, "you get some salt water on your hands like this," he demonstrated with his large calloused hands, "and it doesn't stick so much."

Sanji could only gape as he stared at the dirty paws that were successfully shaping the rice that he was having such a hard time with into triangles. Before he knew it, the same dirty paws presented a perfectly shaped rice ball to him, complete with that stubborn nori wrapped around it.

"That's not what the merchant was selling!" He protested.

"…Right," Zoro drawled, sauntering towards the door. As he left the kitchen, he shouted back, "And I didn't do anything to your nose!"

Sanji could only stare at the way that beautiful backside looked as it left his kitchen. Shaking himself, he took a bite into the rice ball. It was delicious. He took another bite. And another. Until he tasted a metallic tinge that was quite unpleasant. He looked down. Blood. He was having a nosebleed again!

Well, the food_ was_ really quite tasty. He supposed that he'd fallen in love with it. And the blonde man refused to think of what else he may have fallen in love with to cause the phenomenon.

* * *

My first One Piece fic. I have no plans to write anything more than one-shots for One Piece but I just couldn't resist. Sanji and Zoro make such a cute couple!


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